Do you have someone in your life that has experienced the death of a child? Are you clueless as to how to respond, so just don't? I know many people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they don't say anything at all. Then others think they are being "helpful" or "comforting", but just end up hurting or offending.
If you've ever wondered how you should respond, here are my thoughts.
As a disclaimer….these are only my personal feelings. I've dealt with the death of two children, and had to endure insensitive comments. I've had many people confess that they don't know what to say to someone like me. Just remember, everyone is different.
I feel I was pretty fortunate in the realm of hurtful comments. I experienced a few, but I know so many Mommies and Daddies have dealt with far worse than I.
I think one of the number one no-no's would have to be telling a parent who has just experienced the death of a child that you understand what they are going through. If you've never had a child die, then you have no idea whatsoever of what they are going through. It's just impossible. Nothing else compares, nothing. A better response would be "I'm sorry you're going through this", "I'm praying for you", or "I'm here for you".
Another huge no-no is comparing your heartache, or difficult circumstances with theirs. There is no heartache like the death of a child. There is no difficult day that even compares. It rips a hole in your heart. It leaves you breathless. You can't function properly.
I had a mixture of the above two happen to me. Someone approached me and started out by telling me how strong I had been, and how amazed she was at how I was handling my grief. It then proceeded into how she understood how I was feeling. She back pedaled a bit, then launched into a comparison of how my grief over the death of my daughter was like her grief over raising her children. She explained to me that the heartache she felt when her children misbehaved was like my heartache.
I was pretty much speechless. I was still in that numb stage of my grief so I didn't really even respond to her. I just sat there dumbfounded.
What she failed to understand was that our heartache was in no way similar. I would take misbehaving kids every day over the death of one.
Please don't ever, ever tell a parent "Well, you can always try again." This is very common with miscarriage and early infant loss. Yes, we can always try again, but right now we need to grieve the one we'll never have. Sometimes trying again is hard. It could take months or even years until a woman is ready to step back into that arena. They are scared, and full of doubts. It takes time.
If the parents have other children, don't ever say the old "Well at least you still have so and so, you should be thankful you still have them." That is so insulting for a grieving parent. Yes, they do still have their other child/children, but they no longer have the other. Just because there are multiple children, doesn't mean that one was any less valuable.
One I especially hated was "At least you can get pregnant." I heard this multiple times. We had dealt with infertility for almost four years. It was exhausting. Realizing we were finally pregnant was an ecstatic time for us. Unfortunately it didn't last long. I miscarried at only 9 weeks. Being able to get pregnant wasn't a whole lot better than not being able to. The end result was still the same. No baby. In actuality, it was in a lot of ways much worse. You got one step closer, only to be right back where you started.
Refrain from saying things like "It wasn't meant to be" or "There must have been something wrong with the baby". Those phrases do not help. They aren't encouraging…they are not comforting.
Another topic to stay away from is trying again. Just days after our daughter died, someone asked my husband if and when we were going to try again. That is the worst possible time to bring that subject up. Parents are still reeling from their loss. The last thing they are thinking about is trying for another baby.
If you tell a grieving parent that you're going to call, or come over, or other such thing…do it. Chances are, we're looking forward to having that distraction for a little bit, and having someone to talk to. When you don't follow through, or just don't show up, it can be very disappointing. I had multiple people promise me they were going to come over, have us over for dinner, or other such thing, but never followed through. I went through a time of not wanting to be left alone, and it was disheartening when someone said they would be there then weren't.
Being there for someone in their time of need is priceless. One friend of mine came and just sat with me while my husband was at work. Another friend came and taught me how to knit. They were welcome distractions, a small respite from my ever present sorrow. They were cherished times to me and I am still so thankful for them.
Also understand that sometimes, a grieving parent just wants to be left alone. Don't feel offended. Offer to check on them at a later date, and do it.
In times of difficulty, a common response is "Call me if you need me." This doesn't work for the grieving parent. I know I am terrible at asking for help anyway. A grieving parent is even worse. It's pretty much impossible. Your world has just stopped. You're doing good if you can get out of bed and get dressed. You can't think, you can't focus, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to think. The last thing you'll be able to do is pick up the phone and tell someone what you need.
Be specific. Tell them what you're going to do, and when. "I'm going to call and check on you on Tuesday afternoon", or "I'll bring dinner over tomorrow." Most importantly, follow through!
Some other positive ways of responding are by being there to listen. They may just want to talk…let them. Don't be afraid of bringing up their child in conversation. You're not going to be a painful reminder. They think about their child every day. It's more painful when you don't talk about their child.
Use the child's name. It's important.
Remember Mother's Day, Father's Day, anniversaries and birthdays. Send a card or pick up the phone. Knowing someone remembers and cares is priceless.
Most of all be patient. The death of a child is not something a parent just gets over. The grief is overwhelming. It is endless. It's something they will deal with for the rest of their lives.
