Photo A Day: Day 3

Hands

My husband has been doing this also. I included his pic this time around because I absolutely love it. He came up with the idea on his own. I was so impressed, and slightly jealous that he had the idea! I think it turned out beautifully.

Gracie Girls Birthday

Today would have been my precious Gracie's 3rd birthday. I know she's celebrating in Heaven, I just wish I could be there.

It's hard to believe it's been three years. They passed quickly and they didn't. It feels like a lifetime ago. It still hurts like yesterday.

In the words of Ben Folds...And life barrels on like a runaway train.

We had a quiet day. It's what I wanted.

My sweet husband had been asking what I wanted to do. We had originally planned to be out of town…Savannah or somewhere like that, but the date crept up on us and we hadn't made any plans.

Yesterday he asked me several times what I wanted to do today.

Stay in bed all day was my reply.

You can't do that he said.

And so I didn't.

We ate lunch at Bahama Breeze, and came home to find beautiful flowers on our doorstep.

Richard had ordered me a lovely bouquet of gerber daisies and roses, and my parents and sister sent a beautiful sunflower topiary arrangement.

We did the balloon thing, went for a walk, and had a quiet dinner at Longhorn.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Happy Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my friends, family and lurkers!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. We are spending it down South with my family. As usual there were way too many wonderful things to eat and we stuffed ourselves.

I haven't blogged lately. For those who have missed me I am sorry. The holidays are especially difficult for us. It's hard to put aside that there should be a beautiful brown haired girl bouncing around, squealing in delight in the wonder and magic that is Christmas…but there isn't.

So you cope. You muddle through the best you can, and you remind yourself that she's safe and sound. I find myself daydreaming sometimes. What is Christmas like in Heaven? Indescribable. I know it must be amazing. I wish I could catch a glimpse, just one small glimpse of what she's doing this very moment.

For now I whisper Happy Christmas Gracie girl and I love you, and hold her in my heart.

Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,

Was singing without any presents at all!

He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”

“It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!”

“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!

“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”

“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

Winnie The Pooh, & Tigger Too

I was cleaning the house this afternoon, my mind was a whir of a thousand different things.

Gracie wasn't one of them.

I was focused. Focused on vacuuming the Husky hair that had embedded itself in my carpet. Focused on scrubbing my kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, hanging that picture, unpacking the box that had been sitting in my living room for 2 weeks, washing the towels, focused….

Until I sat down to take a small break.

The TV was on, or did I turn it on, I can't remember. A trailer came on for the Winnie The Pooh movie coming out this summer. I love Winnie The Pooh, I always have. Although I will confess that Tigger is my favorite.

And suddenly, there it was.

Overwhelming grief. It hit me and stole my breath. It hit me that I would never be able to stick Gracie in her car seat and go to the theater to watch Winnie The Pooh. I can't pull her on to my lap, and snuggle up to her and breathe in the scent of her hair while we giggle away at the silly old bear.

And it sucks. It sucks for a million different reasons, in a million different ways.

I miss my little girl.

Right Where I Am: 3 Years, 2 Months & 2 Years, 4 Months

Many thanks to Angie from Still Life With Circles for sharing this incredible project. Such an awesome idea. The Right Where I Am Project encourages readers to share where they currently are in their grief. Whether it be fresh, years down the road, or somewhere in between. I have read so many different bloggers stories; their reflections on where they are, and where they've been. It's been incredibly insightful and comforting, knowing I'm not alone on this journey.

I recently watched a great movie…Rabbit Hole. If you haven't watched it, you should. There is a scene between mother and daughter about grief. This was so powerful to me. It broke me and reassured me at the same time. It broke me, because it affirmed what I already knew…my grief over the death of my babies will never end. I will carry it with me always. It also reassured me, because I knew that even though I would always carry this heartache around, it was what I had instead of my babies. It reminds me they were real. It linked us, and that's okay.

I know I will do no justice to this scene, so here it is…

Today, I feel somewhere in the middle. It's been just over 3 years since I miscarried with baby #1. It seems impossible that it's been that long. My children died within exactly 10 months of each other. Becoming pregnant with our daughter Grace was what helped me along in my grief with my miscarriage. I stumbled along, but becoming pregnant so quickly afterward brought renewed feelings of excitement and hope for our future.

March 19, 2008 and January 19, 2009. I will remember both of those days for the rest of my life. I remember each with clarity, like it was yesterday.

My grief is no longer what it was. In the days after, it was raw, it was ugly, and it hurt like no other. And it got worse before it got better.

Today, it's still sad, and it always will be. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, when I least expect it. I even ask myself, "Where did that come from?" It usually disappears as quickly as it came, and I move on with whatever I was doing. Usually.

I do have dark days from time to time. Days that overwhelm me, days where everything goes wrong, and I just want to climb in bed and stay awhile, and sometimes I do. But in the words of Longfellow, "Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary."

I still think about my babies every single day. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've grown. I can carry on conversations about them without losing it. I can look at babies, even hold them. Boxes of baby wipes don't diminish me to tears anymore.

It does still wear on me though. Endless Facebook posts about friends and their new bundles of joy get difficult. The "Hide" feature has come in quite handy.

I still have a hard time seeing little dark haired girls around the same age that Gracie would be. They brings tears to my eyes, and whisk me away to thoughts of her, and what she would look like, and what kind of little personality she would have.

The hardest is seeing parents upset with their children. I watched a Mother scream at her young child one evening over something so completely stupid. It took everything within me to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to shake her. I wanted her to feel one ounce of the daily pain I feel so she would get it. I don't think that will ever go away.

My life is vastly different now. I am different. I'm no longer the person I was before, and that's okay. It's made me stronger in some ways, weaker in others. It's deepened my compassion towards others. It has also made me deeply aware at how trivial some things are. Along with that an aggravation with people who think their life is falling to pieces over the most minor of things. If they only knew.

Most friends have changed, and I'm still coming to grips with that. I'm not bitter anymore, but I still ask why. I see it in other peoples loss also. Friends stop calling, writing, and coming around. Why? It's like we have a dead baby disease. It's heart breaking. When tragedy hits, you really do find out who your true friends are. I am immensely thankful for mine.

I am marching onward though, somewhere in this in between. Waiting…some days patiently, others not so much, for what life will bring. Hoping, hoping from the depths of my soul, for my deepest desire.

Hope is the thing with feathers

that perches in the soul,

and sings the tune without the words,

and never stops at all.

Precious Child

"PRECIOUS CHILD"

Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon,

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there's a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart