Small Enough

I was reminded last night of the song "Small Enough" by Nichole Nordeman. I have loved her for a very long time. She writes honest lyrics that touch your heart. As I fell asleep I was listening to the words of the song.

Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
And I have asked You once or twice
If You would part the sea again
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
Just wanna know You're gonna hold me if I start to cry
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now
There have been moments when I could not
Face Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we've marched around
Our share of Jericho's
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now

All praise and all the honor be
To the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"Are You there?"

And I know You could leave writing on the wall
That's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping,
Like in Soloman's sweet dreams
But I don't need the strength of Samson
Or a chariot in the end
Just want to know that you still know how many hairs
Are on my head
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

This world can be a scary and uncertain place. There are times when I ask why God? Why this, why them, why me? Why have I dealt with infertility, why did I have a miscarriage, why did I lose my daughter.

Last Saturday a local Pastor here in Jacksonville was going through neighborhoods passing out VBS fliers when he was hit by a car. He has been in a coma for the past several days, on life support. He passed away yesterday, leaving a beautiful wife and two small children behind. His family had been praying for a miracle, but it didn't come. It is so easy to feel abandoned at a time like that.

Out of all the uncertainty, all the pain and confusion He is there. He is small enough.

And The World Spins On

I've thought about writing this post many times. I've even started writing, and couldn't finish. I wish I could let people crawl inside my head. Then and only then, would they understand.
It's quite obvious that I've completely abandoned my blog. I'm sure most people understand why, but for those who don't I digress.
One year, five months, and twenty five days ago we lost our beautiful Gracie. I will not go into detail here. I'm sure there are inquiring minds that want to know, but frankly I am not at a point in my life that I want to openly share with anyone who stumbles across. Maybe one day, I will be there, but not today. Those who know me best know exactly what happened, and that is enough for me. Suffice to say, my blog was all things Gracie. It had been for so long, and honestly I didn't know how to go on from such a staggering loss. So I didn't. However, almost a year and a half later, I'm ready to begin again. I've missed my blog. I write for no one but me. It gives me clarity, and I have missed it.
The past 18 months have been hard. My world just stopped, and it drove me mad that time just marched on and left me standing there, with empty arms and a broken heart. Gracie was all I ever wanted. She was beautiful. She had a head full of dark hair, just like her Daddy; and a tiny little nose that looked just like mine. Here was this amazing little creature, absolutely perfect, that had flitted in and out of our lives so quickly. It tore our world apart.
I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. I know that losing a child is something I don't think you ever get over. I've heard from many hurting Mother's, and the answer is always the same no matter how many years have passed. You've heard the saying that time heals all wounds. I don't believe this for a second. It still hurts like it was yesterday. It takes your breath away, and you have to remind yourself how to breathe.
Amidst all the pain, I know this. Grace is in Heaven. She is perfect, whole, and happy. She knows nothing but bliss, and the sweet love of our Father. She is not troubled by the awfulness of this world, and for that I am thankful.
I will move forward, knowing that Jesus knows best. Even though I don't understand why, He had his reasons for taking Gracie. She was never mine to begin with, simply a sweet gift that I had the pleasure of keeping for a very short while.