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The Tiny Rosebud God Picked To Bloom in Heaven

The Tiny Rosebud God Picked To Bloom In Heaven

-Helen Steiner Rice-

The Master Gardener

From Heaven above
Planted a seed
In the garden of love,
And from it there grew
A rosebud small
That never had time
To open at all.
For God in His perfect
And all-wise way
Chose this rose
For His heavenly bouquet,
And great was the joy
Of this tiny rose
To be the one our Father chose
To leave earth's garden
For one on high
Where roses bloom always
And never die.
So, while you can't see
Your precious rose bloom,
You know the great Gardener
From the upper room
Is watching and tending
This wee rose with care,
Tenderly touching
Each petal so fair.
So think of your darling
With angels above,
Secure and contented
And surrounded by love,
And remember God blessed
And enriched your lives, too,
For in dying your darling
brought Heaven closer to you!

Sweet Memories

I have been missing Gracie today. It's funny how something will trigger certain memories. I was taken back to the night that I woke up from my c-section, and my sweet husband told me our baby girl was no longer with us. It still rips a hole in my heart. A year and a half later and I still find myself breathless at the immense pain. I really do not know how my husband did it. God has given me a very strong man. He didn't waver, he was by my side and stayed there.

So tonight, I will share with you sweet memories.

Small Enough

I was reminded last night of the song "Small Enough" by Nichole Nordeman. I have loved her for a very long time. She writes honest lyrics that touch your heart. As I fell asleep I was listening to the words of the song.

Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
And I have asked You once or twice
If You would part the sea again
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
Just wanna know You're gonna hold me if I start to cry
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now
There have been moments when I could not
Face Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we've marched around
Our share of Jericho's
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now

All praise and all the honor be
To the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"Are You there?"

And I know You could leave writing on the wall
That's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping,
Like in Soloman's sweet dreams
But I don't need the strength of Samson
Or a chariot in the end
Just want to know that you still know how many hairs
Are on my head
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

This world can be a scary and uncertain place. There are times when I ask why God? Why this, why them, why me? Why have I dealt with infertility, why did I have a miscarriage, why did I lose my daughter.

Last Saturday a local Pastor here in Jacksonville was going through neighborhoods passing out VBS fliers when he was hit by a car. He has been in a coma for the past several days, on life support. He passed away yesterday, leaving a beautiful wife and two small children behind. His family had been praying for a miracle, but it didn't come. It is so easy to feel abandoned at a time like that.

Out of all the uncertainty, all the pain and confusion He is there. He is small enough.

And The World Spins On

I've thought about writing this post many times. I've even started writing, and couldn't finish. I wish I could let people crawl inside my head. Then and only then, would they understand.
It's quite obvious that I've completely abandoned my blog. I'm sure most people understand why, but for those who don't I digress.
One year, five months, and twenty five days ago we lost our beautiful Gracie. I will not go into detail here. I'm sure there are inquiring minds that want to know, but frankly I am not at a point in my life that I want to openly share with anyone who stumbles across. Maybe one day, I will be there, but not today. Those who know me best know exactly what happened, and that is enough for me. Suffice to say, my blog was all things Gracie. It had been for so long, and honestly I didn't know how to go on from such a staggering loss. So I didn't. However, almost a year and a half later, I'm ready to begin again. I've missed my blog. I write for no one but me. It gives me clarity, and I have missed it.
The past 18 months have been hard. My world just stopped, and it drove me mad that time just marched on and left me standing there, with empty arms and a broken heart. Gracie was all I ever wanted. She was beautiful. She had a head full of dark hair, just like her Daddy; and a tiny little nose that looked just like mine. Here was this amazing little creature, absolutely perfect, that had flitted in and out of our lives so quickly. It tore our world apart.
I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. I know that losing a child is something I don't think you ever get over. I've heard from many hurting Mother's, and the answer is always the same no matter how many years have passed. You've heard the saying that time heals all wounds. I don't believe this for a second. It still hurts like it was yesterday. It takes your breath away, and you have to remind yourself how to breathe.
Amidst all the pain, I know this. Grace is in Heaven. She is perfect, whole, and happy. She knows nothing but bliss, and the sweet love of our Father. She is not troubled by the awfulness of this world, and for that I am thankful.
I will move forward, knowing that Jesus knows best. Even though I don't understand why, He had his reasons for taking Gracie. She was never mine to begin with, simply a sweet gift that I had the pleasure of keeping for a very short while.

Busy Month

Yes, I'm still here. No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

December was a whirlwind of events! We were quite the busy bees. We had a lovely Christmas in Tennessee with my family. We drove up during the night on the 23rd and relaxed in a park upon our arrival. Phoenix and Ella were thankful to get out of that van. Okay, Phoenix was thankful. He's not a very good traveler. We were finally able to get into our "in town" cabin later that day, only to find it way up on a mountain! It's a good thing it didn't snow. It was fun, and we had a beautiful view. We had a wonderful Christmas Day in the cabin and ate way too much! We went to Dollywood and had a funnel cake! Okay that wasn't the only thing we did there. It was strange not being able to get on any rides! We drove up in the Smoky Mountains and Phoenix and Ella made quite the spectacle of themselves. People were following us around with cameras taking pictures of our gorgeous huskies. You would have thought they were movie stars. Phoenix was pleased. He likes posing. Before we knew it, it was time to go home. Obviously everyone else was of the same mindset. Traffic was horrid. It took 13 hours to get home. My pregnant self was really feeling it. Speaking of which...

My growing belly is getting in the way of more things! It's humorous because I find myself having to consciously compensate for the ever growing belly! I've smacked into many a door. Richard is just having fun making fun of me! He'll pay, he will. I'll have a huge long labor and he'll be at my beck and call and have to rub my back the entire time.

It's amazing, pregnancy really does eat your brain. Mine is seemingly gone.

My pregnancy has progressed very well. Gracie is doing good and growing like a weed. She's found a nice spot in my ribcage to "rest" her little feet! I am fair to midland I suppose. I feel good, which is definitely a blessing. My blood pressure has been high, at least in the Dr's office, so they are a tad concerned. I had bloodwork done to check for preeclampsia and the results came back okay. Now I have to do a 24 hour urinalysis. Joy and rapture. I'll know by the end of the week. I've no other symptoms of it so I'm hoping for the best. Grace needs to stay in there! It's so hard to believe I'm 33 weeks along. Yikes! I've already been having braxton hicks. We're getting ready!

I am hurridly preparing for a little girl to come home. I've procrastinated on the nursery and am now paying. It's kind of interesting, having this intense desire to nest and clean everything! I can't help it. I re-arranged the kitchen cabinets. Why? I don't know. The urge hit while I was making Christmas goodies. So I did it. Our bedroom dresser, bathroom, kitchen hutch, hall closets, and guest bedroom closet got it too.

My church baby shower was this past Saturday and my Mom and sister drove up. It was a lot of fun. I got all kinds of cute things and had fun oohing and ahhing over them! I forget to take my camera out so I have no pics. Thank heavens for Auntie Amanda and everyone else who took pics!

I've got Christmas pics for now. I'll get shower pics later!

Happy Birthday To Us

December 7th Richard and I both celebrated our birthdays. For anyone who doesn't know, my husband and I were both born on December 7th. It's kind of nice sharing our birthday!
It's fun to see people's faces when they realize we have the same birthday.
We spent our birthday morning sleeping in. We finally got up and around and headed to Panera for a late breakfast. We then went to Target and did a little shopping. We mosied around St. Johns Town Center and then finally headed to Firehouse Subs for lunch. If you sign up on their website they send you a coupon for a free sub on your birthday. We then headed to the theatre and watched "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas". It was very good...made me cry, but it was good.
Afterwards we went home and changed into warmer clothes, then headed to Adventure Landing and played mini golf. It was cold, but a lot of fun! I started out nicely, thought I was going to win for once, then completely lost it! We finished the evening at Coldstone Creamery. I discovered that Cheesecake Fantasy is my new passion. Yum it was good. Gracie liked it too! We ended up back at home and ordered a pizza later. We had a nice birthday together.

Richard worked all day Monday and I puttered around the house taking care of odds and ends. We ended up at Walmart later that night and he got something to fix the tree. So we finally have a whole Christmas tree!

I had finished off my Floradix Sunday and decided to see if I could go without it. Big mistake. I've only been off of it for two days and I am completely worthless. I slept most of the day! We went and got more this afternoon so hopefully it will kick in soon. Cuz I'm tired!

Unfortunately with my pregnancy brain I forgot to take a camera along on our birthday. I also completely forgot that I have a camera on my phone. So no pictures. I do, however, have some lovely pictures of the fur kids! Ha. Yes, I know what you're thinking. "If they take this many pictures of animals how many will there be of Gracie??" A lot...a whole heck of a lot.

Colds, Turkies & Christmas Trees

I'm not sure how this happens. I seem to lose track of time and before I know it, it's been ages since I've blogged.
Things have been busy around here. I'm still stuck in November. It's hard to believe it's December and Christmas is right around the corner. I don't know why, but it doesn't feel like Christmas.
I had an interesting Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I was miserably sick. I had been in the nursery at church the prior Sunday and picked something up in there. This isn't the first time this has happened. I managed to do okay until Wednesday night. Driving down South I started feeling nasty. By Thursday I was miserable. I couldn't taste or smell. So much for Thanksgiving dinner! I was NOT a happy camper! LOL! Friday was the same. It was the first time ever that I did not go shopping. I was even more unhappy. Richard, on the other hand was on cloud nine! They rented a Harley for him and he and my Dad went riding! You should have seen him, he looked like a little boy on Christmas morning! Unfortunately I have no pictures. Thankfully Mom and Amanda got some.
Later on, Mom came to the rescue and brought home some Zicam. I could finally breathe! Sweet relief.
Saturday night we went to the River House to celebrate Dad and Mom's anniversary. On the way home we stopped at BabiesRUs, and then stopped by Amanda's dorm room so I could check it out. We had an interesting episode with a bug. LOL!
Sunday evening was spent playing Taboo. We had fun. Belly hurt laughing fun. Bottom chairs and straight jackets fun. Please don't ask. LOL!
Monday came way too soon and we had to head back home. Once we were back in Jacksonville I took advantage of the rental and got my grocery shopping done!
Phoenix must have really been worn out because he slept the rest of the day. He didn't even want treats! He and Ella had too much fun. Now he misses her!
Tuesday and Wednesday passed in a blur. Richard yanked down the Christmas tree. It was brand new and we had put it up last year just to make sure it would work in the house. The top broke when we were taking it back down last year. Why we didn't take it back I don't know. Actually it probably had a lot to do with the fact that we had gone through 3 or 4 trees for one reason or another. He was sick of returning them. Now it's too late. So it sat half put together in the living room. He rigged it for me and I went to put ornaments on it tonight, only to have it snap off. I'm feeling kind of scroogey. Ha. I had serious thoughts of just tossing it back in the garage and not having a Christmas tree. Especially since two hoodlum cats can't keep themselves from chewing on it! Anyone want two cats?? Just kidding.
On to a happier note. I had a baby appointment this morning. Gracie is doing just fine. Oh by the way, we have officially named her! After much debate. Mommy won out! Teehee. I had been smitten with Gracie for a very long time. Thanks to Ben Folds. The song is in my playlist...take a listen. Richard was completely opposed and hated it. Even though I used his Mother's middle name Lee. It seemed everyone else liked it except for him. I had decided to just leave it alone and figured we'd eventually figure something out. Finally in the middle of the grocery store one night he decided he liked it...except her official name had to be Grace. He didn't think she'd like Gracie once she was all grown up. Fine...just know I'm calling her Gracie...forever. =) So Gracie Lee it is.
Gracie is a very happy baby, so says the midwife. She kept wiggling while we listened to her heartbeat. And Mommy didn't gain too much weight after Thanksgiving...so she is very happy!
Since I haven't put any pics in for a while, and promised a picture of the leaf "bowl" here are some. These are my Thanksgiving crafts.

The leaf bowl was a ladies church craft. The turkies I did for place settings at Thanksgiving.

Jolly Beggars

I came across this quote while I was organizing the office today. I have a bad habit of writing things down and then misplacing them! Or having a little help misplacing them! Ha!
It is from the book "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey. In it he quotes CS Lewis. Anyways, I thought I would share.

As a child, I put on my best behavior on Sunday mornings, dressing up for God and for the Christians around me. It never occured to me that church was a place to be honest. Now, though, as I seek to look at the world through the lens of grace, I realize that imperfection is the prerequisite for grace. Light only gets in through the cracks.
My pride still tempts me to put on the best front, to clean up appearances. "It is easy to acknowledge," said CS Lewis, "but almost impossible to realize for long, that we are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright, is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us. Surely we must have a little-however little-native luminosity? Surely we can't be quite creatures."
He goes on, "Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delighted acceptance of our Need; a joy in total dependence. We become jolly beggars."
We creatures, we jolly beggars, give glory to God by our dependence. Our wounds and defects are the very fissures through which grace might pass.
It is our human destiny on earth to be imperfect, incomplete, weak, and mortal, and only by accepting that destiny can we escape the force of gravity and receive grace. Only then can we grow close to God.

I'm Still Here

It's been quite a while since I've blogged. I'm still here. Tired...but here!

A lot has been going on since I last blogged. Dad, Mom and Amanda were here for a weekend. We enjoyed ourselves. After they left I caught Richard's cold and we were both sick for a while. So basically nothing got done around the house!

We are both better and back to somewhat normal.

Last week some of the ladies from our church had craft night. We made fabric leaf bowls. I made two of them. Naturally had help with the sewing! Me and sewing machines don't mix. Ha. I'm looking forward to our next craft night. We're making some kind of gingerbread pots.

I had another appointment this past Friday with my midwife. The baby is nice and healthy! She's got a good heartbeat and very active. I had my glucose test and my blood sugar is well. No gestational diabetes for me! They also tested my hemoglobin, which was too low. This explains a lot. I've been extremely tired. I blamed it on being sick and then the weather. It just seemed like I had no energy and I slept all the time! So now I am taking Floradix. Hopefully I will start feeling better soon!

Today I am at 24 weeks. It's so hard to believe that I'm this far along already. Time has just flown by so quickly. I've got a big prego belly. Richard enjoys poking fun at me! He's fascinated with all of this. She likes moving around and poking me non stop. She's quite the night owl as well. We're waiting for her to start kicking hard enough to see from the outside. He's already informed me that it's quite strange!

I've been in the nesting mood for the past couple of weeks. The house has been torn apart! I've been cleaning and organizing everything. It's funny being pregnant.

Anyways, that's it for now. I need to go clean. =)